Dysphoria strikes once again. :(

 10/14/2012

Ang laki ng kasalanan ko sayo my dearest diary. HAHA. Ang tagal kong hindi nag update. I am so sorry. By the way to sum up all the things happen for the previous months, everything was all "FINE". Nasabi kong fine kasi nothing so special happened to post and besides gaya ng dati merong mga times na badtrip, masaya, malungkot, emo, lasing, trip - trip at kung ano ano pa. Ewan ko ba kung bakit nakapag post ako ngayon, siguro dahil kailangan kong ilabas ang sama ng loob ko teka emo?HAHA. Hindi naman siguro I just felt left alone. Hindi ko alam meron naman akong mga kaibigan na talaga namang supportive and nagpapasaya sakin pero to the society I belong there is something I really do want to happen but the thing is I never meet that expectations. And one more thing is bothering me, my crush, a childhood friend of mine. And I am loving her as of the moment i am typing this words. But the thing is I don't really know if she got any feelings with me. Hindi naman kasi kami magkaklase ngayong college pero were on the same University at ang maganda dun malapit lang sya samin. Madalas lang kaming magkausap through chat on Facebook or otherwise kapag nakakasalubong ko sya samin. Pero tsaka na sa crush thing ko na to kasi talagang hindi maganda ang aura ko ngayon, I am having dysphoric feelings I cant even explain. Hindi kaya dahil feeling ko wala lang ako sa kanya, na kapag may kailangan lang sya tsaka nya lang ako kakamustahin at she's so obsessed texting to a anonymous guy while when I texted her even a blank or wrong sent message is wala akong matanggap. Tapos dumagdag pa yung oral defense namin kahapon. Ok naman kaso hindi maganda yung delivery namin, hindi kasi namin sineryoso masyado, but the good thing is nakasagot naman ako sa tanong ng prof. ko. At sumabay pa ngayong week ang sunod sunod na final examinations namin. 

Basta nakaka badtrip, pagka magloload ka walang magtetext sayo pero pag hindi ka naman nag  load there is someone na parang bula na magpaparamdam sayo. Minsan nga totally wala, buti pa si 4438 kahit papano nakaka alala. Ganun din sa Facebook ang notifications ko puno ng nonsense game request other than that wala na, no pm's, wallposts or likes. It just like I don't even exist. Buti nalang nanjan si God na makakausap ko at available anytime and anywhere at ang diary ko na to kung saan maitatapon ko lahat ng feelings and thoughts ko.

Basta I feel so alone that no one cares for. Hope this sadness fades soon. ;(


Wish me goodluck my dearest diary,
Juan